My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
