No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
