There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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