I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
