I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My bed smells like the plague
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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