Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
