I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
