a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
