Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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