Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
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Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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