Yo dont text me then not text me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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