you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
