R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
