; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
