OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
