I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
