I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
