Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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