so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
