They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
