cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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