WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
