Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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