shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I intend to get homeless drunk
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
