What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
