Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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