my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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