dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
