I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
