How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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