highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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