he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
and you said cock pushups were impossible
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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