Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
