I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
