did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
