So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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