everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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