life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
