it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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