Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
