i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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