apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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