wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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