what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
