he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
