God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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