He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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