You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
