today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
