If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
