how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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