I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
