make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Found your dick twin last night
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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