girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
