Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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