Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
