I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Even my vagina gasped.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
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I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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