Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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